Where We Are

Tonight we met, where we are. My wife A (I'll call her A) and I. It was difficult, it was intimate, it was real. We made a lot of eye contact. I enjoyed it. She is struggling with me and our relationship. She does not like my new beliefs and honestly thinks that many of them have been eisigetically created. I at least listen to her enough to understand her arguments and thoughts on the issue. There are many levels on which I am thankful that my wife is still with me. She has a great deal of fortitude and strength, and in spite of who I am, and am becoming, she has to this point remained my companion. It is a testament of her moral integrity and belief in truth that she continues to stand by my side. I have, in ways, let her down and given her reason to not trust me. When you compile that with the vast changes in my belief system that are blogged about here, I am faced with an increasingly difficult marriage. Things really aren't solid between us, though I believe they are good in many ways. We do have intimacy, we have a very deep intimacy. Over time I have managed to hide less and less, and am more revealed to her than ever. That gives me confidence, to at least be known as who I really am. I am hoping to bridge that gap even further and ultimately, at least, be known as well as can be by her. Likewise I am seeking to know her more closely, even the difficult parts (the parts that don't trust me). Sometimes she doesn't trust me, and really struggles with whether she can again. I have lied about things that in my mind I deem trivial. I have lied because I was afraid of judgement. Humans lie for complicated reasons, I could go on and on about what motivates me to do it. I don't wan't to lie any more. I wan't to be naked before her. I don't think she can handle the full truth of all the decisions I make. This makes things so complicated. I know I need to make some changes to give her the context she needs to understand me. It's not about submission on my part, but understanding. I recognize that her faith can be strengthened by seeing me make changes in my life. I believe the time is upon me to seek those changes. Here is my overall point: I can't know the outcome of all of this. What I can do is continue to lean on God my Heavenly Father, and trust him. In that trust I can draw strength in his Spirit. In his Spirit I can find the fruits of the application of Love. These fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. They are invaluable in navigating the dynamic, difficult, and complicated relationship we have. Without them I am convinced I would not be able to accomplish any good in my marriage. These attributes are of Love, since they are of the Spirit, who is of Love, which is an essential part of God's nature. And my personal point: I don't know how this ends. I only ever wanted to know the truth, and that has indeed led me here. Whether I should fear for my soul or not, I know not. What I do know, is that I must continue to seek God with all my heart. I have chosen my path, to believe his word, and so I must continue in that path. Whether my specific faith be correct in its explicits I know not with absolute certainty, but I believe by the applications of the laws of logic to God's honest word that it is indeed accurate in most of my assertions. Finally: My primary desire is to know and live his truth for my life. In quietness and trust.