Following Him

I am subject to God, he is a witness to my life, and I espouse him as an authority over me. As difficult and as hard as I am, this is true on a level that makes the writing of these words acceptable to me. I hope that he finds the parts of me that are lacking and fills them up for his Glory. I hope that he finds the parts of me that have faith and honors them with his blessings, with his seal. May his spirit lead me, wherever He would call me. This subject of patriarchy has made my relationship with my wife very contentious. Very simply, I would say that I do treat her will, and that I wan't to treat her better, without subjecting myself to her. I think it would be fair to summarize her attitude towards me as "lacking trust" and that I have/had fundamentally failed her in many ways. This is a difficult situation, because I can actually understand her point. IF I believed what she believed, and wanted what she wanted, I would be mad too. I am a difficult place, because I believe that my faith is genuine. This puts me at a crossroads with biblical morality and cultural morality. I wan't to live according to God's truth, not just in law, but in essence. I want to be strong and courageous, and to love intentionally and walk humbly. I want to serve with real work love those of my household. I wan't to take responsibility for my own happiness and that of my family, but not to the degree that I have to deny the truth of God's word, and the desire to rear a Godly family. So then my difficulty remains. The only option I have is to continue to remain open, continue in his word, and continue with my beliefs. On a personal level, I feel I have known a lot of insecurity in my manhood. For the first time ever, I am learning that it's me and God first. That is where manhood exits. It exits in me following God and his designs for my life. I can't be complacent in this issue. I can't just attend Church an hour or two a week and follow all the "traditional" rules and feel fulfilled. For the first time ever, and because I am reading his word for myself, I see that I follow a God that rewards true biblical manhood with a type of freedom that is invigorating and absolute. If I have to suffer in this world because I stand for his truth, that God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of man, and man is the head of woman then I will suffer. However, KNOW THIS, that my focus in that will be in letting Christ be my head, because as a member of his body, that is what is important to me. I will respect and follow my spiritual head, even if it means difficulty. I am a weight lifter, and weekly I have the pre-workout struggle. My body tells me "No, I don't feel like it", and yet in my knowledge that by going in and pushing heavy things around I am going to make my body stronger, more resilient, more attractive, and more capable. So I do it for my mind, knowing that it is the smart decision, and I do it for my body, knowing that the end result will truly be a healthier body. Do I struggle with the difficulty of making decisions first for God, and then second for me (recognizing/respecting his authority), and then last for my wife/family? Yes, that is a very difficult place for me, but I know it is the order I need to respect. I am truly committed to keeping my God first, and I wan't a family that is willing to follow me as I follow him. We need to remember that we aren't just living for the present, but for the eternal never-ending truth. Live to be a citizen of the kingdom of heaven, and all these things... All these things in greater and truer abundance and goodness then this world could even dream of knowing. This world has thrown chains of bondage on itself, assuming moral understanding, fighting for self-defined goodness. I am seeking his authority, his moral understanding, and his defined goodness. I think that I will be vindicated by him in this following. He is the source of all things good, and I seek the source. I don't wish ill on the worlds ways, I just believe they will discover that when it comes to managing the infinite nature of the future, that a leaning on the laws, precepts, and truths of God word will ultimately be what can sustain and nourish our world.